sweetporcelain | For blainewanderson: The Make-Up

Blaine felt his heart leap up into his throat when the bell rang, smoothing down his shirt for the millionth time, nervous butterflies in his stomach. He opened the door, nodding to Kurt almost formally and opening the door all the way for him. "Kurt. Hello." He blinked, at a loss as to what to add so he just said nothing, willing himself not to break down.

"Hey..." Kurt swallowed back anything else he wanted to say, feeling more than strange that they were greeting each other this way. Instinct made him want to hug the other boy, and kiss him. That's what had always happened in this doorway.

Instead, he followed Blaine into the house in silence, making sure that Blaine lead the way even though he knew exactly where they were going.

Blaine walked to the guest parlour rather than the family den or upstairs to his room where they would usually hang out together, among other things. "I trust your flight was fine?"

"My family is out, and the help is shopping, so we can speak here or go around the pool to the guest house. Either is fine by me," he added with such politeness it was as if he had been replaced with a pod person.

"Here's fine. Blaine..." Kurt sighed sadly. He couldn't do this, not if Blaine carried on like he was.

"Please, I need you to be... you. I want to talk to Blaine. Not... this."

He closed his eyes, sighing and curling his fingers up into his palms, pressing his fingernails into his skin, leaving half moon marks. He collapsed onto the sofa like a broken marionette, looking up at Kurt with tear filled eyes, looking unsure. "Fine. Me."

"Thank you," Kurt gave Blaine a small smile, sitting at the opposite end of the couch with the book clasped tightly against his knees.

"Will you... There are things I want to ask. Things I need to know. Will you promise to answer me honestly? Even if you don't think I'll like the answer?"

"You're welcome," Blaine said, folding his legs under him as he settled against the couch. Even if he was sure this wasn't going to end well, part of him really liked being here with Kurt and the close contact. At least they were in the same room, and not crying or fighting. Yet.

Blaine nodded, looking at him directly. "I swear. I'll be entirely honest."

"Thank you," Kurt said, again.

There was nothing else he could do to hold back this moment. It was time to ask the questions he wasn't sure he wanted the answers to. As far as he was concerned, the answers Blaine gave in the next few minutes would make all the difference between whether they stayed together or went their separate ways.

"Tell me what happened with this boy. Exactly what happened."

Blaine took in a breath, and let it out with a shuddering sigh. "Eli. His name is Eli. I met him online. You were... so busy, all the time, and everyone at McKinley, they are really your friends, not mine. They'd drag me along sometimes but I knew I was just 'Kurt's boyfriend'. I tried talking to the Warblers... there is a lot going on over there, changes, they didn't have time for me now either," he shook his head. "I felt so lonely. It hurt. More than I thought it would. So... I tried to make some friends online. Eli liked all the same things I did, the same songs, the same books, the same tv shows, his family also had a house on the Vineyard. Hell, he even went through my stupid bow-tie photo gallery and 'liked' each one of them."

He paused, collecting himself, and began again. "He asked if we could meet in person. I said, sure, I thought it would be fun to get coffee together, go to a movie, something, just so I had someone to talk to that really wanted to talk to me back, someone that wasn't too busy. He suggested we would have more privacy at his place... I know that should have set off bells but honestly I would have met him anywhere. So... we were hanging out in his room, just goofing off, you know, he was funny, playful. He said... he said he liked me more than as a friend. He said he thought I was sexy. He... kissed me. And I let him... Then I kissed him back. Really kissed him back, lying back on the bed kissing, frantic and passionate kissing." Tears started to drip down his face onto his pants but he didn't seem to notice. "He was on top of me, and whispered that he wanted me to get undressed, that he wanted me. I could... feel exactly what he meant. And... for a moment, I thought I might actually do it. It felt so good to be wanted. But... I stopped him. I said I couldn't... He thought I just wasn't ready yet. He drove me home, and kissed me again, saying he'd wait until I was ready, that he wanted us to be together. I... just got out of the car. He sent me texts, kept leaving me notes online... I felt so guilty I couldn't answer him. He asked for us to meet again, that he missed me. I... I came to New York instead. You know the... rest."

There were tears running down Kurt's cheeks, too, by the time Blaine was done. It hurt to hear all that, even more than he had expected it would, but he was grateful to Blaine for at least being honest.

"And..." his voice wavered, and he took a moment to pull himself together. "And why did you come to New York? Why me, and not... Eli?"

"Because it's you I love, Kurt. It's you I wanted to have a life with. Eli was a... replacement. I know that's wrong. I know what I've done to both of you is unforgivable, I was selfish and solely focused on what I needed, I wanted. He's... a very nice person. And I don't have any ill will towards him. But he isn't the one. My one. That's you. It was always you. It always will be you. I gave you my heart, Kurt. I can't ever give it to anyone else," he said, wringing his hands, aching to offer Kurt comfort he had no right to give.

"But... he lives here, in Lima. He's around whenever you want him to be. You don't have to fly 2 hours to see him, wait for him to finish work before he'll call, anything like that." Kurt looked up at Blaine, frowning, just wanting to understand.

"Isn't that what you want?"

Blaine let out a shuddering breath. "I thought I did. I mean, I do, sort of, I don't want to feel crushed by loneliness... but I can't be with him. I can't love him back. It would be cruel. I would only be leading him on worse than I already did. I can only offer him amends and say goodbye. Let him call me names and unfriend me, it will be better for him that way."

He shook his head. Kurt didn't need to hear all that. His ending with Eli was something he had to do alone. "I don't expect us to be together anymore, Kurt. I meant every word I wrote. But it's only you I really want. I would rather be alone now, then seek a substitute. You are the the most incredible boy in the whole wide world. You are my soul-mate, Kurt Hummel. I belonged to you from the moment I first laid eyes on you."

Blaine's last words brought a small, watery smile to Kurt's face. "I want us to be together, Blaine. More than anything, I do. But I just... I don't understand what makes you so sure that it's me you really want. I love you, but I love what I have in New York, too. I can't come back to Lima and sit at home just to make sure that you're not going to be lonely.

I know I got carried away. I could have made more effort to keep in touch, and to listen. And I can change that. But I need to know that this is... this is it. I can't go through this again. I can't make up and move on and have this happen all over again 2 months down the line when you next feel lonely. You need to decide whether you can wait for me until the summer."

"I love you too. So much," Blaine nodded, sniffling. "And I don't want you to either. I don't, I swear. I am so proud of what you've accomplished. I knew someone would see your gift. I knew it. I just didn't know what would happen to me without you. I thought I could handle it. I didn't know the extent of how weak I was, or the growing I need to do to deserve you."

He wiped at his eyes with the back of his hand. "I know. I know I have to wait for you. I know that I have to wait until May. I screwed up. And you have no reason to really believe me. But I promise, it's you. Just you. No matter how I feel, no matter how lonely I get, I will not break my vow to you again, for the rest of our lives. I want you to be the only boy I ever kiss goodnight and curl around and cherish. I want you."

Kurt ducked his head as his eyes welled up, sniffing loudly.

"I want you to see this," he said after a moment of silence, and gently passes the sketchbook he's been holding so tightly to over to Blaine. "This is... I've never let anyone see this. Ever. I was going to show you on our wedding day. But... I want you to see it now. I started it after... after the first time we talked seriously about the future. When we agreed that we wanted to marry each other, one day. It's... my scrapbook for the future."

Inside the book were pages after pages of Kurt's plans for the future, and almost all of them involved Blaine in some way, shape or form. Some had already come to pass; his outfit for senior prom, interior design for his first New York apartment. Others were still a way away; several pages dedicated to planning his wedding, including a ring design that matched the promise ring he was still wearing today. Some sketches of what the "Anderson-Hummel" brand might look like, various stylisings and intertwinings of the letters A and K. Lists of baby names, underneath a list of Blaine's loves and passions ("Disney" and "fairytales" were circled).

"That's the future of my dreams," Kurt explained quietly. "That's the future I want. You are my future, and I don't want that to change. But I need to know, now, if that's not the same future that you want for yourself."

Blaine ran his fingertips gently over the drawings as if they were rare and precious things and should not be touched too much, the hesitant way one touched something in a museum, knowing they were in the presence of greatness. He looked at Kurt, a wide-eyed wonder in his face, an understanding that broke through all the self-involved wallowing he had been deeply entrenched in, and a smile broke out on his face, feeling like an old friend he had missed. "This is everything I want. Everything. I can not imagine anything more perfect or beautiful than what you drew in this book."

He softly traced his fingers up over Kurt's cheek, just a perfect and precious as anything in his book. "I love you," he said with immense assuredness, a new focused look in his eyes, seeing the wide path laid before them and the path he must walk to get there, without distraction, without doubt.

"I love you, too," Kurt returned the smile, tears threatening to spill any moment now. "And I believe you, and I forgive you."

"Thank you. Thank you so much, Kurt," Blaine said, and even though he didn't deserve it, didn't have the right, he leaned in, pressing a soft kiss to his mouth.

On the drive over, Kurt had worried that if they did make up, they'd never be able to move on. That when they did kiss again, all he'd be able to think about was the other boy Blaine had had his lips against. But now that they were here, Eli doesn't even begin to cross his mind. All he can think about is that he has Blaine kissing him again, loving him, and everything was going to be okay.

"I love you so much," he murmured before kissing Blaine back.

"All my heart, Kurt, all of it," he whispered back, letting the kiss deepen, then ebb and flow between them, reuniting them, their promises to each other, their devotion and love, determined that he would do this right, this second chance, that he would prove himself to be the man that Kurt should spend his life with.

When Kurt couldn't hold them back any longer, he let the tears come. Reaching for Blaine, he wrapped himself around the love of his life, holding him tight and crying his relief into his shoulder.

"I never want another week like this one."

Blaine wrapped his arms around him tightly, enveloping him. "I swear, Kurt. Never again. Never. I will never jeopardize our life together again. I love you. I'm so sorry I failed you," he whispered as he pressed soft, apologetic kisses along his throat, feeling like he was home again, finally.

For blainewanderson: The Make-Up

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